It’s 30 minutes away from being the last day of June 2023. This is the first year since the #blogjune phenomena began back in 2010 that I have not really participated. My commitment to #blogjune has been flagging for the last couple of years (for various reasons) but I have always at least taken up the challenge at the beginning of the month. I’m not sure why I didn’t do anything about it this year but #blogjune wasn’t the only thing that I let slide. I’ve been letting huge parts of my life go unnoticed and unattended.
Perhaps this is depression. Come to think of it, that’s probably it in a nutshell. I’m not particularly sad per se, just feeling like I’m a disinterested witness to my own life as it moves on without me.
It’s not for the lack of things to do or things which normally would excite or interest me. It’s just that I feel like I’m in some kind of suspended animation. Not dead but not fully alive either.
Back at the beginning of the month, when I thought I just might have a blog post in me, I spent about an hour or so in my spa at home (yes, what luxury!) I’d been in for long enough for the heat and bubbles to impart their therapeutic benefit and it was probably time to get out. I turned everything off and just let myself float. I’m annoyingly buoyant and pretty short so I could drift around without hitting the sides most of the time. I let go of my tension entirely. I was as a leaf on the surface of the water, at the mercy of the flow. Every so often my head would approach the side and I could hear the faint purr of the pump as it keeps the water ever so gently moving. My forever-racing mind was as still as it could be. It never is, mind you. There’s always about 10 or 100 thoughts in various stages of formation flitting from synapse to synapse. I want nothing more than just to only have fewer than 5 things on my mind at any given moment.
Anyway, I never wrote that post…except in my mind as I floated around. I got out and dried myself and with that dried up any of the motivation I might have had to follow through on my profound self discoveries.
So here I am now with just 10 minutes until the last day of June and I bring you my thoughts from the first day of June. For whatever good that has done either of us. To accompany that, I lay at your feet my barely 15 minute old realisation that I’m probably heading into or am already inside a depressive state.
Now I face the decision as to whether or not to post this meandering stream of consciousness. Will I be judged? Will I be pitied? Will there be consequences to being this open about my mental state? Hell, I’ve probably shared more in the past.
What the hey! I’d hate to have let 2023 gone by and not participate in #blogjune. Who knows…I might even post again tomorrow…which is now just 4 minutes away.
Bun-toting Librarian 