The urge has come upon me to blog. I tend to find that outside of blogging challenges such as BlogJune and Blog12DaysXmas I’m unlikely to blog at all. If I do it is because I need to engage in some sort of catharsis. Such is the way on this occasion.
It’s deeply personal. Possibly a little more private than most people would want to share.
But I’ve blogged about personal and private things before and I always feel a great sense of relief when it’s in the public domain. The holding of these secrets really eats me up and takes more energy than I can spare, when actually I’d prefer to expend the energy on dealing with my issues than keeping them closeted away.
So, here goes…
I have a wonderful daughter. #Snugglepot. She is a delight and a treasure. Her smiles and laughter fill our days. She rarely cries and hardly ever without good reason. She’s sweet and loving and I can’t say enough good things about her. She is my world.
She is enough. And yet, we feel we would like another child.
So have one? Easier said than done.
We have been trying for a second baby for just over a year now. Having such difficulty conceiving a second child after the first was so easy has been a hard thing to accept. The next step was to reach out for help.
When I was being treated for my vulvodynia I was seeing all kinds of specialists and baring myself, physically and emotionally, to people who were essentially strangers. I learned to absent my mind from my body at those times. It was the only way I could survive the deeply personal intrusion. Now, I find myself drawing again on that skill as I’m poked and prodded to find out where the dysfunction lies.
I went to our first appointment with the specialist thinking that we would have a chat about our situation and what options might be available to us. To my surprise, he dived headlong into tests and examinations right there and then! I didn’t have the time to develop any anxiety about the situation because it was just about over by the time I knew it was even happening.
After the appointment, I felt hollow and drained. Almost violated but not quite, as I consented to the ordeal. Still, I felt emotionally numb for hours after.
As part of the investigation into my baby making regions I was given my first ever Pap smear. Wow! I thought it was this horrible thing. Women go on about how awful it is. I was surprised to find that it is far less painful or uncomfortable than what I used to feel with my vulvodynia on days that I wore jeans.
Today I’m undergoing the next step in the process. I’m not even entirely sure what the test is called. I think it’s a Hysterosalpingosonograph. I’ve been warned it can be painful and the specialist had to test my capacity to even undergo the procedure in the first place.
I’ve been waiting a month for this procedure and I’ve had plenty of time to get anxious. I had a mini-meltdown last night. Today I’m battling some cold/flu symptoms so fortunately (?) I don’t have the energy to be anxious as well.
Now that I’ve broken the ice on talking about our journey to #cuddlepie I’ll probably be tweeting, blogging and Facebooking on that topic a little bit. For now, I’ll just drink my tea and try to not think about what’s happening to me today.