The tenth day of Christmas gave me FOG.
Brain fog, to be precise.
I’m still very foggy. Sleep deprivation and illness will do that.
I feel like I owe a more substantial post today to make amends for the lack of substance over the past few days. However, my fogginess might make for a sub-standard post. Or it may make for an entertaining one as we traverse the twists and turns of a mind in turmoil. Let’s go down the rabbit hole!
My little one has been a tad out of sorts recently (as has been alluded to in a previous post or two). Last night was a rough one for us. She woke repeatedly throughout the night and needed me in attendance. I find it very hard to get back to sleep after these interruptions so I slept very little indeed. Don’t get me wrong. I love that I have the capacity to soothe her and give her what she needs. I take pride that I can be the mother she needs me to be. I always hoped I’d be a good mum but never thought deep down that I would deliver on that hope. I figured I’d flake out somewhere along the line. Who knew this would actually be something that I’m utterly committed to?!
That’s a kind of sad admission. To think that I didn’t have faith in myself that I could be a good mother. It came as a very pleasant surprise that I could even conceive a child, let alone raise one. The fact that every day brings new challenges that I rise up to meet head on is a constant surprise and delight.
Many of those days are spent overcoming a handicap. I have spoken/tweeted often about my battles with dizziness. I’ve had it for my entire adult life. It waxes and wanes in severity but never really leaves me for very long. I’ve had any number of different types of investigations to get to the bottom of it and I’m still really no closer to knowing for sure. The latest hypothesis is that it is low blood pressure. Having been medicated at different times in my life for hypertension, it seems incongruous that my most chronic condition is hypotension! It’s been knocking me around quite a bit of late. Particularly as I’m not getting enough sleep to have a fighting chance every day.
Anyway, where am I going with this? Oh yes. A vote of thanks.
I think the only reason that I can function as a mother to my little darling is because my mother is still being a mother to me. She comes to my aid when I need her just as I go running to my little angel when she cries out in the night. For nearly 40 years she’s been there when I needed her. I hope I can do just the same.