Recently, I’ve been reflecting on my life and who I am and the choices I’ve made. I “borrowed” the title for this post from one of the interactions available to my Sim in Sims Social (Facebook game). It seemed apt to use it as I’m concurrently playing the game as I write this.
I had a conversation with a colleague a few days ago where I recalled that I have difficulty remembering the details of my life around times when I have experienced unpleasantness. For example, I once had a job that I hated. I hated this job so much and I hated what it brought out in me and I hated who I had become. Without trying to be sensationalist or garner sympathy (please don’t pity me), I would cry in the car most days as I drove to this job. I worked at this particular office (in the professional suites of a shopping centre) for about 6-8 months. I drove the same route everyday. Yet, only about 2 or 3 years later, I couldn’t remember how to get to that shopping centre. How could I forget something as innocuous as the directions to a shopping centre?
I realised that I’d forgotten because I’d subconsciously scrubbed that job from my mind and every other memory that was tied to it. This has happened a few times in my life. When something is so painful to remember, my mind just drifts into a “reality” where that painful thing didn’t happen. Scratch the surface a little and the memory returns…sometimes with a side-dish of pain and sometimes with a little mist of regret.
Back to the present and my introspection…
It has been commented on by some that I have changed. Let’s not state whether this is for good or bad at this point.
Yes. I am Fi 2.0. Or am I Fi 3.1.1 (for workgroups)? Whatever version I’m up to, I’ve been upgraded. You may not like the new features but most users agree that the slimmer profile is more appealing. The new look featuring skulls and roses motifs aren’t to everyone’s taste but they aren’t permanent so long-term users shouldn’t be dismayed. The sound themes featuring heavy bass and an old school hip-hop vibe might also be a little confronting for some but the classical and indie sounds are backed up and can be accessed anytime. The expanded language pack which includes more vulgarity than apparent in previous versions is customisable and can be turned off when the occasion demands.
This is where the introspection and reflection reveals a few truths that recent users may not know…
Yes, I’ve lost weight. I’m happy about that. I have more to lose but, frankly, I love my curves. I don’t eat to excess but perhaps some of my choices could be healthier. I love the food I eat and if I want a burger, I’m gonna have a freakin’ burger! Alright‽ I’d prefer to sacrifice a few years of longevity to be happy, have curves, enjoy my food and my life than be in a constant state of paranoia about whether I was eating right or getting enough exercise.
Skulls. Scary? Hardly. I’ve got one underneath the skin on my head. I’d venture to suggest that every person that reads this has one too. Is it a new thing for me? Nope. I’ve had skull and bones jewellery since I was about 15 years old. My interest in wearing these images of skulls, bones, roses, etc has waxed and waned over the years but it sure ain’t new. If you’re seeing me in this now for the first time, it just shows that you’re a recent addition to my social circles. Lucky you!
Now to address the hip-hop question. Why would a white woman in her mid 30s suddenly develop an interest in hip-hop? Why not? This one even stumped me. I saw a 3-CD set of hip-hop anthems a few months ago and noticed that I knew and liked some of the tracks listed. It occurred to me that I might like some of the others as well, so I bought it. I’ve been listening to it virtually wall-to-wall since then…much to the confusion (and I think distaste) of some of my friends. Tonight I heard a snippet of a piece of music from an Austin Powers movie and, like a blast from that poor fractured memory, out popped Dream Warriors! Way back in 1991 I bought the album And Now the Legacy Begins…on tape! Guilty admission that I also had albums by MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice in 1990…but they were gifts. Who am I kidding? I was glad to have them and I played them nearly till the tape wore out. Can I get my cred back by saying I also had Derelicts of Dialect by 3rd Bass? I mainly got into this because I loved Peter Gabriel’s Sledgehammer and Dave Brubeck’s Take 5 which were sampled in Pop Goes the Weasel and Al’z A-B-Cee’z, respectively. Anyway, the point I’m making is that I’ve had at least a 21 year love affair, albeit on/off, with hip-hop. How had I forgotten this? When I stop and think about it, I have always liked it. From Dream Warriors to Salt ‘n’ Pepa to Queen Latifa (before her acting days), hip-hop kept a steady, though sometimes quiet, beat in my heart.
And lastly, language. Yep, I swear. That one started a while back too. I’ve harped on this once before so I won’t harp again. Deal with it.
So to bring thing back to where we started… There are facets of my life that remain hidden away for whatever reason. They are my facets to reveal if I so wish. Things may emerge as part of my personality that may have not been so evident in recent times but some of these things were always there. They were just waiting to reappear when my fractured self was ready to deal with the attachments that accompany the facets. Forgotten directions to a shopping centre or tastes in clothing or music may belie a deeper darker truth.
I’m going to leave you with a few of my fave old school hip-hop songs that still get me moving.