Astute readers of this blog and those who spend time with me in real life might have picked up on the fact that I haven’t really been myself lately. I’ve mentioned the emotional rollercoaster that I’ve been on (here and here). I’ve had enough of this ride. I want to get off!
Since my last blog post, I haven’t really felt inspired to blog. I’d been a little down and not really in the mood to connect with anyone or share my feelings. At this point of the week and after having attended Mass tonight, I feel like I may have turned a corner.
Insomnia has become a constant companion of late. I’m not really sure why this so. So, last Sunday saw me wide awake with no signs of fading as midnight came and went. Earlier that week I’d had a glass of sherry to dull my over-active brain and that didn’t really do much. On the Saturday night, I’d had a glass of vermouth immediately before bed and that did the trick but I woke with a headache. Giving up on the idea of medicinal drinks and knowing that I was taking Monday off work, I decided to have a sleeping tablet…for the first time ever. Unfortunately, I didn’t decide this until midnight so it was after 1am before I was feeling sleepy enough to go to bed. It did its job. I slept the night through and woke on Monday, albeit at nearly 10am, without a headache.
So I had to respond in kind with a bun of my own.
Monday was not the day I had hoped it would be. I wasn’t nearly as productive as I’d wanted to be but the bun was a turning point. I was starting to climb out of my slump. Paying attention to the fun things in life can have a positive effect on an unhappy little Bun-toting Librarian.
I spend every Tuesday on campus at uni. That particular Tuesday was a disjointed one. I would normally spend the morning engaged in literature searching and reading but that day I had a meeting slap bang in the middle of the morning. So I thought, I’m a little tense this week, wouldn’t it be nice to take time out to do nothing but observe the world around me? So that’s what I did. Oh, and I had a coffee and painted my nails. 🙂
Wednesday saw my ire rising again. A busy day at work and a busy day at home. Domestic tasks to be done (shopping, dishes, cooking, cleaning) and a sick husband to be cared for. I really had no patience for it all. I don’t even want to talk about Wednesday. I was not a very nice person that day. I can be better.
Oh, I had big plans for Thursday. I was going to get up early and get myself all sorted to face a day of assignment writing. I was going to get a first draft of my next assignment as close to completion as I could manage in a day. HA! That didn’t happen! I got distracted. I was unmotivated. I sabotaged my own efforts at every turn. As the afternoon began thinking about becoming evening, I decided to put the final nail in the coffin of Thursday and hit the shops for some retail (and caffeine) therapy…like that was going to help my assignment efforts! Of course it didn’t but I did end up with some lovely boots and a nice handbag…not to mention a lovely new lipstick shade.
And then comes Friday. Sweet, sweet Friday. I’d been looking forward to “ANGO3” (aka Another Girls’ Night Out number 3). I started the day very early as I addressed a group of anaesthetists at an information literacy session on critical appraisal. At first, they seemed like they weren’t really interested but I suppose it is very dry material and it was 7.30am! Anyway, by the end of the session, they were sitting forward in their seats and asking questions and really engaging with the topic and with me. It was a great session and I know they enjoyed it. My trainee library assistant was an absolute angel as she quietly and efficiently set about tidying my office as I went about my usual tasks. She expertly sorted out the donated dross that comes into my library every day. As always, she did all this with the quiet elegance and serenity that is evident in most Sri Lankan women I know.
More things happened on Friday than I want to say here but suffice to say that it was also a day of ups and downs but mostly a day of ups! (About freakin’ time, huh!!) I left work much later than I’d wanted to but I left with a feeling of utter security and confidence. I felt appreciated. I felt productive. I felt good! And the goodness continued into the fun and frivolity of AGNO3.
Oh! What a night it was! Four attractive and intelligent librarians hit the town with a “take no prisoners” attitude! There was drinking. (Oh boy, was there drinking!) There was some dancing. (Probably best not to talk about that.) There was fun. There was laughter. There was camaraderie and sisterhood. I had a great night and I can’t wait for AGNO4!
That brings me to tonight. Following the hangover caused by AGNO3, I smartened myself up enough and pulled myself together to go to Mass. Perhaps the Holy Spirit was really guiding me tonight but I found myself listening more intently to the readings. I had a few little epiphanies as I listened but none more epiphanic than during the homily as our celebrant said “Worry makes us blind. Lent is a time to give that away.” How I wish it was easy to just stop being worried about things. I’ve always had the view that, of all emotions, worry is the most useless. What did worrying ever achieve? It is probably one of the most negative wastes of energy that I can think of. I’ve even been the one to draw this futility to the attention of others! Yet, I don’t heed my own advice. I worry. I fret. I over-analyse. I waste my time and my energy worrying about things I have no control over. The priest was right. I should take this time of Lent to give away the futility of emotions that blind me to the love of God and the comfort that I would find in His love.
If this week has taught me anything, it has taught me that I have much to be thankful for.
I have a great job. My colleagues and clients appreciate me and respect me. I am part of a team that strives for excellence. I work in an environment that is more like a family than a workplace.
I have great friends. My friends love and care about me. They are great to go out with and have fun with. They are beautiful people with the world at their feet.
I have a great God. My God loves me and wants me to not worry about things I cannot change. I just need to trust in Him and love Him and all the rest can fall away.
Why should I let anything bother me so much that I need to waste my life worrying?!
Bah! Get behind me!