First of December

Today a new month began. Today I did something important. Today I did something insignificant.  Today I relaxed. Today I saw myself.

I woke at 3am for no particular reason.  I drifted back to sleep only to wake again a few more times at random intervals until my alarm sounded at 6.45am, 6.50am and 7.00am, as usual.  Each time it blasts, I turn it off, as usual.  Finally, hubby’s radio alarm clock was obnoxious enough for me to drag my sorry bones off to the bathroom for the morning ritual, as usual.

Before I left the house, I grabbed the transcripts and certificates that say who I am and what I do.  I walked out the door with this sum total of my being.

Today I was going to do something unusual.

There were piles of work awaiting me in the library.  I had an appointment to provide a one-on-one information literacy session to a client.  I worked through the piles. I assisted clients.  The day progressed just as any other.  The whole day felt like I was wading through treacle.

Then, I paused.

I took a moment.

I gathered myself.

I located the special documents, opened up my email client and began to write an email.  Email written, documents attached. SEND.

Breathe.

My heart had been racing in the knowledge of what I was doing in that moment. I was glad when it was done. I had just taken the first tangible steps on a journey towards becoming a Doctor of Philosophy.

The day progressed.  The treacle was still there when the email was bouncing its merry way along the intertubes.

Late in the day I received a message which would require me to head up to my local church to attend to some musical business.  Despite the fatigue which I was beginning to feel, I looked forward to going there.  There are two things in this world that I enjoy probably more than anything else: music and my God.

The work day drew to a close. I sorted the unfinished work back into piles, slightly smaller than they had been some hours earlier.

I walked out the back door of the building to head to my car and then off to the church.  Little did I know that while I was at work the heavens had opened and it was pouring rain.  In the time it took me to get to my car, I was drenched.

At the church, I set about doing what I had come to do.  My task was its own reward. There are few things more enjoyable to me than singing and playing music to the glory of God.  This joy is only made sweeter when it is shared with people who also sing or play well.  I was blessed today to have such an opportunity.  When the “business” part was done, I was even treated to an impromptu rendition of Nessun Dorma!

As I headed out of the church I decided that I would go home and have a nice relaxing bath.  I got home, turned on some Regina Spektor songs, ran the bath, hot  and with lots of lavender scented bubbles, stepped in and began to let the day melt away.

I took time to slowly remove my mask.  I washed the day off my skin.  I washed the makeup off my face.  I removed the colour from my nails.  I stood in front of the mirror and I saw myself.  Not the glimpse that you see when you walk past a mirror.  Not the targeted look you see when you put on makeup. Not the usual look at all.  I saw myself as if I could see beyond my own eyes.

Remembering my last post on this blog, I thought , how bad would it be if others really saw this face?  I’m not quite there yet.  I don’t feel comfortable leaving the house without donning some mask of sorts.  But I think I can look at that face in the mirror and say “You’re OK”.

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This entry was posted in Mass, Music, Private life and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to First of December

  1. I’m rarely impressed, but this post impressed me. Thank you so much for sharing your day with me. You write beautifully and your sentiments moved me. I’m so glad I caught your tweet (via @sallysetsforth) re #blog12daysxmas and have found your blog through it!
    Thank you for inspiring me, Fiona.
    Yours,
    Ceridwyn

  2. Pingback: Face forward | Bun-toting Librarian

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